MAGA Night at the White House
When we last checked on President Perfect he was embarrassingly excited by the thought of "vicious dogs and ominous weapons" being unleashed on people who are still, for some reason, enraged at the murder of black people by blue people. "Totally professional, but very cool," he praised the Secret Service. "I was inside, watched every move, and couldn't have felt more safe," because as usual, it was all about him. Last night the demonstrators moved across the street to Lafayette Park, and he felt so safe he scurried into the LeaderBunker, still faintly scented with Dick Cheney on 9/11, and had all the lights turned off for the first time since the air raid precautions of the 1940s. And the Biden campaign awoke to find itself with the visual symbol that political ops dream about.
This morning "Mr. Man" decided it was time to conference-call the governors because, as with the covid pandemic, he accepts responsibility for nothing. As we remember from that fateful White House Correspondents dinner, Trump cannot stand being laughed at, and can imagine nothing worse. And as #BunkerBitch exploded on Twitter, he raged that the world is "laughing at Minneapolis." Not at him cowering in the cellar, OK? "You're making a mistake because you're making yourselves look like fools...You have to dominate. If you don't dominate you're wasting your time," he went on, sounding like a frustrated coach at half-time. Then he went into lying/default mode, blaming the uprisings on "the radical left" and Antifa, which is only real compared to QAnon. He promised to "activate Barr," which I believe happens when a rabbi inscribes MAGA on his forehead, but I may be remembering Der Golem. (I'm dreaming in German Expressionism these days.) And since the federal courts have ruled repeatedly that flag-burning is protected free speech, he wants the states to pass laws against it, because he has no fucking idea how federalism works.
When the call finally ended and the governors went back to their real jobs, Trump resumed his love/hate relationship with Twitter, and this was the result, I swear: "Sleepy Joe Biden's people are so Radical Left that they are working to get the Anarchists out of jail, and probably more. Joe doesn't know anything about it, he is clueless, but they will be the real power, not Joe. They will be calling the shots! Big tax increases for all, Plus!" Lousy anarchists and their lousy tax increases.
If today's protests are less fraught, it's probably because the courtiers talked him out of making a speech last night as real presidents used to do. Instead -- oh shit -- they'll organize a "listening tour of sorts" to "develop constructive ideas." He'll pose with cops, more cops, non-confrontational black people and some experts from Fox News, and figure this thing out. Not with Philonise Floyd, George Floyd's brother, who was less than enthusiastic about the two-minute call he got from Trump yesterday. The widow of Sergeant LaDavid Johnson could have told him what to expect in the way of empathy.
The thing about the Republicans, there's always someone a little crazier. They compete for it like the ladies on RuPaul's Drag Race. No sooner had Trump identified the problem as Radical Left Tax Increasing Anarchists than Tom "I Get To Make My Own Foreign Policy" Cotton jumped up to demand the deployment of the 101st Airborne. Because nothing says "peace and reconciliation" like the Screaming Eagles. I'm sure he'd be yelling for the SEALs if not for that spot of bother about Eddie Gallagher, the knife and the teenager -- a little tarnished. So if the boogaloo bois and the other very fine people don't quite manage to touch off a civil war, Tall Cotton is ready to help.
And so, on to another night of curfews and tear gas, echoed by turnouts in Toronto, Berlin, London and even Tehran. More assaulted celebrities like John Cusack. More high-profile arrests like Chiara de Blasio (yeah, like hell the police didn't know she's the mayor's daughter). More people spreading coronavirus -- remember that? Because it's ninety-nine years today since a white mob burned the Greenwood neighborhood of Tulsa, the "Black Wall Street," and killed more than three hundred people. And we have learned nothing.
Back to the bunker, bitch.
This morning "Mr. Man" decided it was time to conference-call the governors because, as with the covid pandemic, he accepts responsibility for nothing. As we remember from that fateful White House Correspondents dinner, Trump cannot stand being laughed at, and can imagine nothing worse. And as #BunkerBitch exploded on Twitter, he raged that the world is "laughing at Minneapolis." Not at him cowering in the cellar, OK? "You're making a mistake because you're making yourselves look like fools...You have to dominate. If you don't dominate you're wasting your time," he went on, sounding like a frustrated coach at half-time. Then he went into lying/default mode, blaming the uprisings on "the radical left" and Antifa, which is only real compared to QAnon. He promised to "activate Barr," which I believe happens when a rabbi inscribes MAGA on his forehead, but I may be remembering Der Golem. (I'm dreaming in German Expressionism these days.) And since the federal courts have ruled repeatedly that flag-burning is protected free speech, he wants the states to pass laws against it, because he has no fucking idea how federalism works.
When the call finally ended and the governors went back to their real jobs, Trump resumed his love/hate relationship with Twitter, and this was the result, I swear: "Sleepy Joe Biden's people are so Radical Left that they are working to get the Anarchists out of jail, and probably more. Joe doesn't know anything about it, he is clueless, but they will be the real power, not Joe. They will be calling the shots! Big tax increases for all, Plus!" Lousy anarchists and their lousy tax increases.
If today's protests are less fraught, it's probably because the courtiers talked him out of making a speech last night as real presidents used to do. Instead -- oh shit -- they'll organize a "listening tour of sorts" to "develop constructive ideas." He'll pose with cops, more cops, non-confrontational black people and some experts from Fox News, and figure this thing out. Not with Philonise Floyd, George Floyd's brother, who was less than enthusiastic about the two-minute call he got from Trump yesterday. The widow of Sergeant LaDavid Johnson could have told him what to expect in the way of empathy.
The thing about the Republicans, there's always someone a little crazier. They compete for it like the ladies on RuPaul's Drag Race. No sooner had Trump identified the problem as Radical Left Tax Increasing Anarchists than Tom "I Get To Make My Own Foreign Policy" Cotton jumped up to demand the deployment of the 101st Airborne. Because nothing says "peace and reconciliation" like the Screaming Eagles. I'm sure he'd be yelling for the SEALs if not for that spot of bother about Eddie Gallagher, the knife and the teenager -- a little tarnished. So if the boogaloo bois and the other very fine people don't quite manage to touch off a civil war, Tall Cotton is ready to help.
And so, on to another night of curfews and tear gas, echoed by turnouts in Toronto, Berlin, London and even Tehran. More assaulted celebrities like John Cusack. More high-profile arrests like Chiara de Blasio (yeah, like hell the police didn't know she's the mayor's daughter). More people spreading coronavirus -- remember that? Because it's ninety-nine years today since a white mob burned the Greenwood neighborhood of Tulsa, the "Black Wall Street," and killed more than three hundred people. And we have learned nothing.
Back to the bunker, bitch.
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 2:24 PM
1 Comments:
He promised to "activate Barr," which I believe happens when a rabbi inscribes MAGA on his forehead, but I may be remembering Der Golem.
Thanks for a much needed laugh!
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