Hell week

This is not his happy face.

Nor is the master impressionist delighting the crowd with his "Ed Sullivan introduces the Beatles" impersonation.

Trump might well be thinking of Ishmael's words about "a damp, drizzly November in my soul" if he had ever read Moby Dick, or if he had a soul.  Much more likely, he's thinking along the lines of Ed Sorel:  "Until I think of someone I want to kill, I can't get out of bed in the morning."  Of course, Sorel kills you with his art.

Trump couldn't kill that "dumb Southerner" Sessions, but he could fire him five minutes after the polls closed in Hawaii.  Sessions was as racist and worthless an attorney general as a boy could wish for, but he didn't stop the Mueller investigation.  Since he was embroiled in it himself, Sessions chose recusal -- maybe the most ethical-looking thing he has ever done -- and let Rod Rosenstein supervise Mueller.  Rosenstein also didn't stop it, so he doesn't get promoted.  Meet the new AG, Matthew Whitaker.  Trump saw him on the television once explaining why Mueller is totally running a witch hunt, and that's all the vetting he needed.  Most people appointed to positions of such power get a background investigation by the FBI.  Surprise, Whitaker is already there -- the FBI has some questions about the company he used to work for and the people it allegedly ripped off, not to mention some truly entertaining scams about Sasquatch, time travel and urinals for the super-endowed -- well, let's just say that World Patent Marketing made Trump University look like the Sorbonne.

Speaking of Paris, no one is to speak of Paris.  When he got home the damn Democrats were still winning seats in the House and people -- even John Bolton, who can usually be relied on for bad advice -- wanted him to go out in the rain and put a stupid wreath on the tomb of some anonymous dead guy.  Couldn't even use the helicopter-in-the-rain excuse this time because you can practically see Arlington from the White House.  What's more, John Kelly has come up with something called "policy time," when Trump has to get dressed and sit at his desk, dealing with documents.  This takes a bite out of "executive time," i.e., "morning."  Kelly is on thin ice.

The last thing he needs now is a bitch-fight.  So fucking Melania decides she's had it with Bolton's deputy Mira Ricardel, who yells at people and who had the temerity to criticize Melania's safari outfit in Africa.  Trump tells Kelly to get rid of her -- "I don't need this shit" -- and then offers Ricardel the job of ambassador to Estonia.  (Her parents are from Croatia and Estonia is in the Balkans, right?  Never mind.)  She's not interested.  She's going to write her book now.  "Some people, they don't work here any more," FPOTUS gloats, leaving us to wonder how many others have been Khashoggi'd.

That's a story that refuses to die, unlike people who run afoul of Prince Mohammad bin Salman.  The Turkish government says it has audio tape of Jamal Khashoggi's last moments inside the Saudi consulate and will release it unless it gets Certain Concessions.  The main one is an elderly cleric named Fethullah Gulen, who has permanent resident status (a "green card") and has lived in Pennsylvania for nearly two decades.  Recep Erdogan has accused him of instigating the 2016 "coup" and wants him deported to Turkey.  The problem is, he hasn't so much as the proverbial parking ticket in the United States.  Trump never met a dictator he didn't envy and try to emulate, or at least accommodate.  Last summer he was ready to send Michael McFaul, an American citizen and former ambassador, to Russia for "interrogation."  What are the odds he has already ordered Bolton to come up with some pretext for kidnapping Gulen and renditioning him to Ankara in the middle of the night?  Anything to avoid embarrassing our "spectacular ally" Saudi Arabia, which is almost certainly going to finalize that weapons order any day now.  So many great jobs!

Another strong leader, Kim Jong-un ("he wrote me beautiful letters...we fell in love") has turned out to be a disappointment, according to the CIA, whose satellites reveal that the North Korean rocket and nuclear plants are humming like Santa's workshop.  Of course, why trust the CIA, which is part of Crooked Hillary's Deep State?  If Trump wants the truth, he turns to Fox News.

What the hell has happened to Fox News?  Andrew Napolitano, an actual lawyer, keeps saying that Whitaker's appointment is unconstitutional because the attorney general needs Senate confirmation.  Naturally Sean Hannity says that's "stupid" and demands to know why Robert Mueller was never confirmed by the Senate, in the same way that Archibald Cox, Leon Jaworski and Kenneth Starr weren't.  George Conway, Kellyanne's husband, co-writes an op-ed for The New York Times explaining that a "primary" officer who reports to the president needs Senate confirmation, while a special prosecutor, who reports to the attorney general, does not.  Too long for Trump to read, too hard to understand.  (Did Conway really call the Trump regime "a shitshow in a dumpster fire"?  Kellyanne may soon decide she wants to spend more time with the kids.)  And Fox News treacherously filed an amicus brief in CNN's lawsuit to get Jim Acosta's White House credentials back.  Disloyalty everywhere.

Have to fly all the way to California to look at some smoking foundations and tree stumps and more of those stunned-looking people who probably voted for Newsom.  And they'll all want money now, money we could be spending on a big, beautiful wall because the invasion is coming.  Trump hasn't mentioned it because he's been busy tweeting about stolen elections and how the Antifa terrorists better not mess with the Proud Boys.  And how Mueller is this close to a psychotic break, throwing shit at the walls and yelling at the rain and triple-dog-daring Trump to fall into a perjury trap, which is where they ask you questions other than "Can you draw this camel?"  But the caravan of ISIS fighters and MS-13 and Deep State globalists is practically in Houston, raping everybody.  And he "very easily" answered all the questions on Mueller's written test because NO COLLUSION.

Prison reform.  Why does that suddenly seem like an idea whose time has come?