This is not a drill

No, this is a mistake.  That's what Hawaiians found out after thirty-eight minutes of sheer terror this morning, of sheltering in closets and texting farewells to loved ones, that the "inbound missile" was a flock of seagulls or some such.  Sorry.  The current administration does not recognize Hawaii as part of the United States -- the attorney general once described it as "an island in the middle of the ocean" -- so there was no reason for "your favorite president (me)" to interrupt his golf game.  Again, sorry.

And that was far from the most awesome thing to happen since last Monday.

Back in the 1990s it was "How shall we tell the children?" the awful news that the president got oral sex from a lady intern in the sacred precincts of the White House, the very house where Kennedy pursued secretaries and Harding copulated with Nan Britton and who knows what the others got up to.  Now those poor, damaged children have children of their own, who will soon be looking up with wide eyes and asking, "Why the hell can Trump say 'shithole' without getting a time-out and a mouthful of Lifebuoy?"  Why indeed?  Instead of Daddy, little Dylanne should be asking Lindsey Graham and Paul Ryan and David Perdue and Steve King and Tom Cotton and all the other racist assholes who have no problem with the racist asshole.  If the racism didn't faze them, why should the gutter language?  It's all the fault of Dick Durbin and (of course) the liberal media, who made America look bad by reporting the remarks.  Probably treasonous.  It's their fault all the countries of Africa, in a rare show of unanimity, are demanding an apology.  Hah!  They'd have a better chance of getting Ivanka as their White Queen.  They have one, right?  Many people don't know this.

At another fine site, a commenter who goes by Joshua Norton observed, "Don't you just hate it when the compulsively lying serial harasser you supported turns out to be a racist?"  Which pretty well nails it, Emperor Norton.  People are still asking, "Is Trump a racist?"  But people are still arguing about Darwin, too.  We call them "fucking morons."

So much more.  Trump gave another interview to The Wall Street Journal, with three of his minders in the room.  This kind of incoherence was much funnier when Professor Irwin Corey did it, but then...launch codes.  The longer quotations are literally untranslatable to English, but there was one sentence that threw a shaft of sunlight into the fog of Trump family dynamics.  Asked about the Russia summit, he said, "My son had a brief meeting based on the fact that he thought whatever he thought."  Now say it as Vito Corleone.  If I were Sonny Don, Jr., I'd dress in something suitable for being thrown under the bus.

Two Corinthians walk into a bar....Through all the success and accomplishments of 2017, the evangelicals have stood by their messiah, who promises to put The Women in their place and let churches go full-bore into politics.  Hasn't he already saved Christmas?  Now comes the acid test for these men of piety, and her name is Stormy Daniels nee Stephanie Clifford, adult film star and recipient of $130,000 to keep quiet about her "relationship" with Trump back when his wife was pregnant and too disgusting for sex use.   I can hear it now:  "The Lord gave this man such a mighty instrument which is much bigger than Obama's and also so much testosterone, OK, he had no choice but to seek out scarlet women, but he has repented, believe me.  No, he didn't tell us to say this."  Yes, women, for another star of the adult films has come forward to say that she joined the party but didn't get the payoff.  This party is just getting started.

Pete Hoekstra used to be a dumb congressman from Michigan.  Now he's our dumb ambassador to the Netherlands.  He opened the relationship by announcing that the country is full of "no-go zones" (a favorite bugbear of the nut right) where non-Muslims travel in peril of their lives; and further, that at least one Dutch politician had been set on fire by Muslims, a fable possibly inspired by the British hate-tweet that caught his master's eye last month.  Some Dutch journalists demanded he back up his bullshit, refusing to take "no comment" for an answer, and yesterday Hoekstra admitted, "That was just wrong."  Since apologizing is a sign of weakness, he'll probably be fired.  The US ambassador to Panama, John Feeley, resigned yesterday, saying he can no longer represent a country whose president calls other countries "shitholes," so expect Trump to boast of all the salaries he's saving by having no ambassadors at all.  And he won't be cutting the ribbon for the new American embassy in London because he doesn't like the location (too far from Harrod's and the West End) and because "Obama sold the old one" in Grosvenor Square "for peanuts."  For the record, the embassy was moved because of security concerns, and the previous one was sold in 2008 during the Bush administration...what's the point?  He's not going because they won't let him ride in the carriage with the horsies and because the Brits don't want him.  Mayor Sadiq Khan reiterated that, and some neo-Mosleyites who glory in the name "White Pendragon" tried to make a citizen's arrest.  They do these things so well.

Standing next to the prime minister of Norway, a country he approves of (racially if not politically), Trump announced that we have delivered the F-52 fighter planes they ordered ahead of schedule.  Way ahead, for this particular aircraft exists only in the game "Call of Duty:  Advanced Warfare."  So he doesn't spend all day watching Fox News on those giant-screen TVs.

Look out, Senator Ben Cardin (D-MD) -- you're being primaried by Chelsea Manning.  As far as I can tell, she's the first transgendered felon to run for the Senate.  I don't know what her platform is, but it probably involves conditions in federal prisons.  Several felons are running for the House, all Republicans, including former Congressman Michael Grimm of Staten Island.  And speaking of the forgotten borough, there's a woman there named Lizzie Dunn who really has the courage of her racist convictions.  Police have determined that she threw acid in her own face and blamed an unspecified black woman who approached her at a bus stop.  When she recovers, Dunn will probably be offered a job in the White House.

Trump now holds "meetings" for the TV cameras to prove he's working really hard.  He opens with "Welcome to the studio," hugs himself like Ed Sullivan, and nods sagely at what each person says, even if it contradicts what the last person said.  I understand Putin laughs so hard he has to change his pants.

Follow in your books as we learn our next word in Croatian:  vukojebina (n.), the place wolves fuck.  In other words, a forsaken spot nobody wants to visit.  It was the closest they could get to "shithole."