Sweet smell of desperation

Remember when the Republicans used to nominate aging movie stars and retired athletes for high office? Celebrity alone was enough of a qualification for sending George Murphy to the Senate and Jim Bunning to Congress. A career in action movies fully prepared Arnold Schwarzenegger to govern the most populous and disaster-prone state in the country, apparently -- ask the state employees who just saw their salaries cut to minimum wage (I hope that doesn't include all those exhausted firefighters and the workers who have to pick up after the latest earthquake). And I seem to remember someone called Reagan. When did all the stars go dim?

Wherever he travels, Barack Obama draws crowds that overflow the venue and make the police nervous. For this transgression, he is compared to Hitler by the pathetic Ben Stein and to Britney Spears by some Rove wannabe laboring away in a secret Fox studio. Nobody wants to watch John McCain read the price of milk off an index card and then free-associate about Iraq. Well, who nominated him, anyway? Did they actually listen to him first? Anyone would look good standing between Dead Fred Thompson and Miracle Mike Huckabee, but the other garden gnomes have left the stage. Those dedicated followers of fashion whom Calvin Trillin named the Sabbath Gasbags are fond of good old John, but even they are starting to notice his apparent failure to learn anything after all these years in the Senate besides how to bum a ride on a corporate jet. The choice of St. Paul, Minnesota, for the Republican convention may turn out to be genius -- it's much easier to make a small place look crowded. Madison Square Garden would be filled with the sound of crickets.

Guys, guys, don't hate Obama because he's charismatic -- it's time to close the Glamor Gap. May I recommend Ted Nugent for vice president? He's young -- well, younger than McCain -- and if he decides to shoot a lawyer in the face, he'll use a crossbow. It's a medieval weapon, which should appeal to your restive evangelical base. And from what I can find, he's not that busy.

Don't thank me. Just let me ride in the inaugural parade with the Shriners.