Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Dump Day

I jot things on pieces of paper and stick them under the laptop and when it gets all wobbly...

Back when Howard Schultz was running that string of coffee dispensaries, he was too busy for more than one daily news program.  Unfortunately, he made it The Colbert Report without realizing it was satire.  When Stephen Colbert said, "I don't see color," Howie nodded and filed it away for future use.  It now forms the centerpiece for the racial philosophy section of his (possible) presidential campaign, and has already brought him enough derision to deter anyone who isn't an Olympic-level egomaniac.  Since the Schultz candidacy has aroused less interest than the design for a Hannibal Hamlin commemorative stamp, CNN probably wishes it had not given him a prime-time hour to share this and other pointless observations.

And CNN still has the Shutdown Countdown clock on the screen, which means Donnie is waiting for  surrogate parents Rush and Ann to say he can sign the latest temporary fix without threatening to withhold their love the way his stupid mother did.  Meanwhile, Ted Cruz, whose father probably killed Kennedy but everything is fine between him and Donnie, has come up with a cunning plan:  Make one Mexican pay for WALL.  Specifically, Joaquin Guzman, better known as El Chapo, who has gobs of money and is headed for prison in the USA.  The legalese may be hard to work out, but the politics will thrill all MAGAts except the ones on the border of Ted's state who definitely don't want their land seized or their access to the Rio Grande blocked.

This is a bad time for the red hat club.  The folks filling out their tax returns are perturbed at how much they owe, or how small their refunds will be, and no wonder.  For years the MSM have been following them down their burrows and reporting back that they support Trump out of "concern about the economy" and certainly not because they're racist or xenophobic or simply dumb.  ("I love the poorly educated!" -- Donald J. Trump, 2016)  I guess they can stop being concerned, because Betsy DeVos can finally afford that seventh yacht.  Hard to believe, none of the others could  accommodate a full-size replica of the Sistine Chapel.  But yachts don't grow on trees, so dig deep, Bob and Betty Scratchcards, because the TrumpMcConnellRyan tax "reform" has its laser pointed at you.

I was going to write about how Theresa May is a bad prime minister and Brexit is a slow-moving catastrophe, but I don't want to be called a terrorist and accused of hating the British.  It is the UK we're never supposed to criticize, isn't it?  Wait, let me check with Rep. Omar...never mind.  Rep. Omar says she has learned her lesson:  Never refer to money as "Benjamins," although it has been in common use for decades.  Also, do not use the alternative expression "dead presidents" unless you want to be accused of plotting Trump's assassination.  In fact, never engage with Rightzis at all, since their principal rhetorical device is the hysterical denunciation, sometimes augmented with the self-pitying lie.  Ignore them.

Former Trump bagman Michael Cohen has postponed his House hearing a third time because he has to have his teeth cleaned or something.  If I didn't know better I'd say someone is putting the screws to him.  We'll know if his scared-looking brother turns up at the hearing flanked by Stephen Miller and Kellyanne Conway.

As measles spreads among the unvaccinated, adolescents are defying their parents and having themselves immunized.  There is reason to be hopeful about millennials.

At least Trump has had a good week since Speaker Pelosi ("as I call her, Nancy") let him read Words to the Congress room and secured her place in history by giving him The Clap.   He also had his annual physical from The Candy Man, who pronounced him the healthiest person this side of Mo Farah, the great British long-distance runner, and much more smarterer.  Then he went to El Paso, which he thought might be San Antonio, but anyway, where the yugest of all possible crowds lapped up a comic monologue in the vein of Prof. Irwin Corey.  One man was inspired to assault a BBC camera operator, the Trump-rally equivalent of speaking in tongues.  And now he's playing with his new Executive Time toy, a $50,000 "room-size golf simulator," which means he doesn't even have to put on pants and waddle from a golf cart to a tee and back again.  It's good to be the king.  (None of your business who paid for it.  The Prince gives them away like business cards at a convention, so why not?)  By the weekend, Donzo was so happy and loosey-goosey that he tweeted, "The Democrats are so self-righteous and ANGRY!  Loosen up and have some fun.  The Country is doing well!"  Apart from the big border emergency which comes and goes like Brigadoon.  I'd love to try some of that Adderall one day.

Rudolph Giuliani has been sighted in Poland, ranting about Iran. No part of that sentence makes any sense, but the cable news channels have had a lot of time to fill.

Trump thinks Ralph Northam and Ilhan Omar should resign because they're racist.  This is like Mr. Creosote suggesting that you go on a diet.

Jerome Corsi is suing Roger Stone or maybe Robert Mueller for trying to make him have a stroke and die.  Trump is suing a former White House staffer for violating a non-disclosure agreement.  Wasn't there something about torte reform, frivolous lawsuits...?

It has been a year since the mass murder at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.  I have nothing funny to say about that.


Blogger MarkS said...

Makin' my day,here.

5:55 AM  
Blogger The New York Crank said...

Thanks (not really) for making me look up Hannibal Hamlin. (15th Vice President of the United States, for those, like me, who didn't have a clue.)

Remarkably, I somehow managed not to know who Jerome Corsi is, either. (Don't bother looking him up. That piece of garbage isn't worth it.)

Yours crankily,
The New ork Crank

8:36 AM  

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