Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Every day is Hump Day

And so:

Sen. Joni Ernst, who popularized bread bags as footwear in her Senate campaign, is divorcing her husband on the unique ground that he kept her from becoming Vice-President.  She is clearly the most entertaining of Iowa's many worthless politicians.

Congratulations to Juan Guaido, president of the Venezuela National Assembly. Trump says you are now president of the whole country.  Buena suerte!

Unsave the date:  February 7, when Michael Cohen will not testify to Congress.  He says Trump and Giuliani have threatened his family and he needs to find a place to hide them.  Apparently Trump suggested that somebody "investigate" Cohen's father-in-law.  My advice:  Don't panic.  How long has he been threatening Hillary Clinton?  Rudolph, on the other hand, probably knows people who could disappear them real good.

IRS employees ordered to work without pay have been calling in sick, and required to bring a doctor's note.  I predict an epidemic of BONE SPURS.

Kamala Harris announced on Monday that she is running for president.  The first "birther" attack occurred less that twenty-four hours later, a new record.  She was born in California but her parents weren't.  How scary is she?  She has already raised more than two million dollars.

I have no idea who Cardi B is, nor do I know what it means to "dog walk" someone.  But whatever she wants to do to NRA spokesmodel Tomi Lahren is fine with me.

Trump's penchant for projection collided with his psychopathia sexualis in his latest rant about the cancelled SOTU:  Chuck Schumer "sadly is dominated by the radical left and he's dominated by Nancy Pelosi.  Very strongly dominated.  He can't move.  He's a puppet.  A puppet for Nancy Pelosi if you can believe that."  Oh, yes, she's got him tied up so tight, tape on his mouth, tape on his hands, oh, so much tape, domination, puppet, more ice cream, more ice cream...mmmmm……  It would be funny if he were still perving on teenage pageant contestants and hanging out with wrestlers.

Trump says Huckabee Sanders doesn't have to hold press briefings any more because they'll just report what she says and compare it with the facts.  This gives her more time to shop the Lane-Bryant catalogue and complain on Twitter about the media's shocking abuse of those lovely Covington boys.  Also plenty of time to go to the bank, because she still gets a paycheck.

Sebastian Gorka has outed Jim Acosta, the CNN reporter briefly exiled from the White House.  Hold onto your MAGA hat:  His real name is Abilio!  James is his middle name!  How can you believe anything he says?  Earlier we were just as shocked to learn that in high school, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was known as "Sandy," like about three million other people named Alexander, Alexandra, Alexandria, and whatever other variation you can find.  I think it's a conspiracy to mislead America and conceal the size of the Hispanic horde pouring in through the unfortified border.  Or in the case of the Acostas, the unfortified coast of Florida.  Rep. Jason Smith (R-MO) is on it, though -- during a debate about WALL he yelled "Go back to Puerto Rico!" at Rep. Tony Cardenas, who is actually from California.   But, you know, close enough.

The FBI isn't getting paid, and the union that represents agents points out that subpoenas are not being served in cases of financial crime.  Curfew shall not ring tonight for the Kushner family!  Also hamstrung by the WALL tantrum are the crime lab and investigations of terrorists, like the four very fine people who were preparing to attack a Muslim community in New York.  In other words, it's working.


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