Retraction! Retraction!
It looks like we were wrong again. Blame the Lying Media, including the Lying Twitter. Those fine young men from Covington Catholic were the victims.
They came all the way from Kentucky with chaperones to lend their support to the Anti-Choice March organized by several groups of professional misogynists, filled with hope that Brett the Boofer will finally free America from Roe v. Wade and return abortion to the kitchen tables and defrocked doctors. As you may have heard, thousands of government workers are enjoying unpaid vacations, so it's unpoliced chaos on the Mall. The He-Man Woman-Haters found themselves sharing space with the Indigenous People's March and a tiny group known as the Black Hebrew Israelites, who are taken seriously by nobody but themselves. Chaperones or no, this convergence spiraled out of control. The BHI, occupying the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, began yelling incoherent insults at everybody, which is their thing. Covington (Go Colonels!) responded with a "school spirit chant" which required one of them to get shirtless and all of them to imitate a Maori dance. Nathan Phillips, an elder of the Omaha Nation, thought this might lead to violence, so he inserted himself between the Israelites and the Catholics and began to play his drum and chant. Naturally, the boys found this hilarious and responded with shouts of "Build the wall!" and tomahawk chops of the kind familiar from Atlanta Braves games. Maori dance, MAGA hats, and a demand to wall a Native America out of his own country -- it's a rich tapestry of stupid.
Everybody is Abraham Zapruder these days, so phone-video from all angles soon reached the social media. Naturally the leftists were appalled, because they were blinded by their hatred of white people; they couldn't see that Mr. Phillips, and to some degree the Israelites, were the instigators. A few of them made it worse by posting video of some earlier sons of Covington attending a basketball game in blackface and taunting a black player for the other team. (Unfair! Maybe it was Al Jolson Appreciation Day.) They raised such a ruckus that the principal had to promise some vague, unspecified action.
Well. From David Brooks to Dr. Laura, the Rightzi cavalry came to the rescue. The chief smirker, Nick Sandmann, was invited to give his side on the Today Show. The right blogosphere went to work -- maybe Phillips isn't a veteran. Maybe he isn't even a real Indian, like that Iron Eyes Cody guy. Why does the media hate the Catholic Church? The public relations firm of RunSwitch, which represents Covington Catholic as well as the Republican Party -- quite a day for coincidences -- fired up the phones, and before you could say "Tiki torch" all the proud boys were invited to the White House to get their MAGA hats signed and enjoy a meal of week-old hamberders. (If the government's still closed they're to knock three times and say "Rush sent me.") I understand the deal was closed when a woman named Amee Vanderpool tweeted that a Covington had yelled, "It's not rape if you enjoy it!" which Stephen Miller should really work into Trump's next speech.
So justice for the victims at last, before they graduate and head for the Ivy League and their golden futures. Apologies. Next time I'll be sure to listen to Both Sides instead of relying on the evidence of my eyes, ears and brain. Especially my brain, which is so tired.
They came all the way from Kentucky with chaperones to lend their support to the Anti-Choice March organized by several groups of professional misogynists, filled with hope that Brett the Boofer will finally free America from Roe v. Wade and return abortion to the kitchen tables and defrocked doctors. As you may have heard, thousands of government workers are enjoying unpaid vacations, so it's unpoliced chaos on the Mall. The He-Man Woman-Haters found themselves sharing space with the Indigenous People's March and a tiny group known as the Black Hebrew Israelites, who are taken seriously by nobody but themselves. Chaperones or no, this convergence spiraled out of control. The BHI, occupying the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, began yelling incoherent insults at everybody, which is their thing. Covington (Go Colonels!) responded with a "school spirit chant" which required one of them to get shirtless and all of them to imitate a Maori dance. Nathan Phillips, an elder of the Omaha Nation, thought this might lead to violence, so he inserted himself between the Israelites and the Catholics and began to play his drum and chant. Naturally, the boys found this hilarious and responded with shouts of "Build the wall!" and tomahawk chops of the kind familiar from Atlanta Braves games. Maori dance, MAGA hats, and a demand to wall a Native America out of his own country -- it's a rich tapestry of stupid.
Everybody is Abraham Zapruder these days, so phone-video from all angles soon reached the social media. Naturally the leftists were appalled, because they were blinded by their hatred of white people; they couldn't see that Mr. Phillips, and to some degree the Israelites, were the instigators. A few of them made it worse by posting video of some earlier sons of Covington attending a basketball game in blackface and taunting a black player for the other team. (Unfair! Maybe it was Al Jolson Appreciation Day.) They raised such a ruckus that the principal had to promise some vague, unspecified action.
Well. From David Brooks to Dr. Laura, the Rightzi cavalry came to the rescue. The chief smirker, Nick Sandmann, was invited to give his side on the Today Show. The right blogosphere went to work -- maybe Phillips isn't a veteran. Maybe he isn't even a real Indian, like that Iron Eyes Cody guy. Why does the media hate the Catholic Church? The public relations firm of RunSwitch, which represents Covington Catholic as well as the Republican Party -- quite a day for coincidences -- fired up the phones, and before you could say "Tiki torch" all the proud boys were invited to the White House to get their MAGA hats signed and enjoy a meal of week-old hamberders. (If the government's still closed they're to knock three times and say "Rush sent me.") I understand the deal was closed when a woman named Amee Vanderpool tweeted that a Covington had yelled, "It's not rape if you enjoy it!" which Stephen Miller should really work into Trump's next speech.
So justice for the victims at last, before they graduate and head for the Ivy League and their golden futures. Apologies. Next time I'll be sure to listen to Both Sides instead of relying on the evidence of my eyes, ears and brain. Especially my brain, which is so tired.
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 2:25 PM
1 Comments:
It all goes to prove that America Is The Greatest County In The Universe, if not the whole world. And all those people who told their side of the story after you saw those lying videos? They're Great Americans for pointing out that the only thing anybody can trust is whatever they say. So there.
I further wish to point out that my hamberder is cold. Got any hot ketchup?
Yours very crankily,
The New York Crank
P.S. Do you know how deucedly hard it it to write the word "hamberder?" Autocorrect keeps changing it to "hamburger," whatever that is.
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