God, guns and grifters galore!

Are you pumped?

Anna Paulina Luna (above) is running for Congress from the Florida 13th, and she's clearly got what it takes to rout those social justice warriors who want to buy houses in your suburb.  Look for her at the Republican National Convention in...well, I'm not sure.  Charlotte or Jacksonville or possibly Moscow.  Can't have a convention without a babe and an assault weapon, and Sarah Palin is busy.

Backing her up will be Bonnie and Clyde McCloskey of St. Louis, who were already on Fox News today warning that riots will soon come "to a neighborhood near you."  Forgive the NRA for not sending an official spokesman -- they're hunkered down defending themselves against Letitia James and her army of subpoena-totin' lawyers.

Many invocations of gawd, especially from Franklin Graham (Jerry Falwell, Jr., unfortunately sending long-distance thoughts), the pious Pences and prayer warriors Matt "Censured" Gaetz and Gym "Drop and Give Me Twenty" Jordan.  Nick Sandmann, the pride of Covington Catholic, will whine that he was oppressed for wearing a MAGA hat while mocking an elder of the Omaha tribe and oppressed again when the court dismissed his suit against the Washington Post for writing about him.  Steve Scalise will speak, unless he has a flashback from seeing all those guns.  Nimrata Randhawa Haley is scheduled -- you know her better as Nikki but it's time to break out her real name because... guess.  Former Florida attorney general Pam Bondi will not mention the bribe she took four years ago to stop investigating Trump "University."  Andrew Pollack will explain why he's fine with the present gun laws even though his daughter died at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, while Senator Tim Scott explains why he's fine with Trump's racism.  And Rudolph Giuliani will mock Biden'th thtutter because irony is dead.

Pretty much all the other featured attractions are Trump or Trump-adjacent.  If you liked Michelle Obama's speech, wait till you hear it in a Slovenian accent.  Lara and Junior's mistress have been given words to read, as has the long-silent Tiffany.  There is no platform because what do you need besides "My honor is called loyalty" (it sounds no better in the original German)?   And so much Trump you won't be able to stand it, believe me.

I don't know, it seems a little thin.  The Democrats took the lemons of covid and whipped up a lemon souffle last week, and even if you hate all the diversity and hope, there are technical lessons to learn.  Remote participation, for example -- many people can't or don't want to be in the hall.  Reach out to political prisoners like Derek Chauvin and Ghislaine Maxwell -- I'm sure she'll want to wish Trump well.  Remember Dianna Ploss, who sacrificed her radio show to stop people from speaking Spanish on the streets of New Hampshire.   And wouldn't America choke up at a parade of criminals pardoned by Trump, including Roger Stone, Scooter Libby, Dinesh D'Souza, Angela Stanton-King, Joe Arpaio, Rod Blagojevich, Michael Milken and Bernard Kerik?  I know I would.

Although the party would like to pretend otherwise, the Trumpandemic continues.  It didn't go away "like a miracle," but to ignore it like murderous police or Russian election interference would be a little too obvious.  Own it.  Let Judy Mikovits run through some of her fascinating theories.  Mike "MyPillow" Lindell will be there anyway -- he's practically the next HHS secretary -- so he could distribute his miracle cure oleandrin to the lucky conventioneers.   And come on, it won't be a Republican convention without Dr. Stella Immanuel and her demon semen theory of disease.  Trump said he was "very impressed" with her and also that he knows nothing about her.  Let's get them together.

Ronna McDaniel, you have a tough act to follow.  You haven't got John Legend, Billie Eilish, Jennifer Hudson, Prince Royce, Bruce Springsteen or anything close.  You haven't got Gaby Giffords or Brayden Harrington.  You haven't even got Uncle Mitt.  You have some women who are 40% silicone and some men who are 100% loathsome.   It's time to get creative.  If Herman Cain can tweet from beyond the grave, it's time to unleash Re-animated Ronnie Reagan.  This could be your last chance.  Otherwise...