Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Warning: crude satire ahead!

Today is the seventieth anniversary of the German invasion of Poland, the beginning of Adolf Hitler's six-year effort to bring universal health care to the world. (The strenuous work of the liberal media had prevented most Germans from knowing that Hitler was actually an Austrian.) Only England resisted, fending off socialized medicine until 1945. In the wake of the SS Panzer divisions came doctors like Josef Mengele, forcing safe, legal abortion and stem-cell research upon the enslaved peoples of Europe. Beyond the dark and roiling waters of the Atlantic, nothing stood between freedom and single-payer tyranny except Ronald Reagan, John Wayne, and their comrades in the 101st Chairborne ("The Screaming Chickenhawks").

I am clearly labeling this as satire because I don't want it to find its way into Wikipedia or otherwise take on a life of its own, like Mencken's bathtub hoax and the Kenyan birth certificate created by that guy in Australia. The Right has really taken the fun out of blogging. There's a website (find it yourself) which offers photographic "proof" that Barack and Michelle Obama are human-reptilian hybrids, and I'm damned if I can tell whether it's serious or not. Gotta love the First Amendment. In Thailand, you get hard time for cracking wise about the king, and he doesn't even have any power.

I'm told that in certain quarters, August 29 has been proclaimed Sarah Palin Day, honoring the day in 2008 when John McCain sprang her on a largely unsuspecting nation. Surely this is meant to be funny, like Talk Like A Pirate Day, only instead of "Aarrrgh!" and "Prepare to be boarded, wench!" we'll all speak in Klondike gibberish and carry toy assault rifles. I need to believe this. I need for a microphone to pick up Limbaugh muttering to his producer, "I can't believe they're buying this shit." I want Sean Hannity to rip off his rubber mask and reveal that he's Weird Al Yankovic. I'm almost certain that Orly Taitz is a Sasha Baron Cohen character, something he threw together after the failure of Bruno. (He could have put more thought into the name. "Let's see...LaGuardia Schwartz? Tempelhof Bernstein? Heathrow Horowitz? Ah! Orly Taitz! Makeup! Pile it on!")

Do you really think liberalism, fascism and socialism are identical? That people rode on the backs of dinosaurs? That the Holocaust is a myth? That FEMA, which couldn't deliver bottled water to the Superdome, is even capable of operating a gulag? That there are WMDs somewhere in Iraq, and pretty soon we'll find them? Or are you, for financial and political reasons of your own, just pretending to be a stone idiot?

If anybody wants me this afternoon, I'll be attending a tea party with a white rabbit and a dormouse. Leave a message.

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