What might have been

My fellow Americans:

Yesterday, a ruthless band of pirates boarded a merchant ship, the Maersk Alabama, which is owned by a Danish company but has an American crew. They were armed with state-of-the-art weapons including rocket-propelled grenade launchers such as those used by terrorists and insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan. At this hour, the crew has regained control of the ship, but the pirates are holding Captain Richard Phillips, an American citizen.

It is clear that these criminals do not respect international law, and it is the policy of the United States never to negotiate with terrorists. I have consulted with my national security adviser, Lindsey Graham, and with my Cabinet. I am particularly grateful for the counsel of Vice President Palin, since she informs me that she can see the Straits of Hormuz from her bedroom window. I am pleased to tell you that it is their unanimous belief that we should launch an immediate attack on Iran, which has been arming and training terrorists for many years. We have obtained satellite photos which clearly show pirate training camps on the Iranian coast. These will be our first targets, but not of course our only ones.

I want to stress that we wish no harm to the Iranian people; we hope they will soon enjoy all the benefits of democracy and a free market economy as the people of Iraq. But there is no room for piracy in the twenty-first century.

Thank you and good night, my fellow prisoners. Americans.