Sunday, January 29, 2023

Who's got the bicycle pump?

 Laughs are scarce in war but count on those merry Russians to brighten a cold January day.  They're sending inflatable tanks to Ukraine.  Of course, they also deflate.

The obvious inspiration is General George Patton's "Ghost Army" a huge exercise in subterfuge designed to confuse the Luftwaffe about where tanks were being massed for the invasion of Europe.  It helped that the Germans respected Patton more than any other Allied commander and couldn't believe that smacking a few soldiers suffering from PTSD would get him relieved in disgrace.  

Of course the rubber tanks were never used in combat, as appears to be the case in Ukraine.  I don't think Putin's generals are in on the joke.  We've seen Ukrainian farmers towing real Russian tanks which ran out of gas, now they can use these to patch their boots.

Meanwhile Russian TV reporter Anastasia Yelsukova was covering a battle in Donetsk when she suddenly cried out and grabbed her knee.  Russian media posted images of her getting first aid, being transported, and in the hospital.  Her leg was saved!  Unless, of course, it's just more maskirovka (bullshit).  In soccer they call it "diving."

Putin's No. 1 cheerleader in America Tucker Carlson thinks we should imitate the Fearless Leader of All Western Civilization by invading a harmless neighboring country.  "Why should we let it become Cuba?" he demanded, naming another neighbor.  Of course it's Canada, which has dealt through its legal system (Merrick Garland, please note) with truckers who obstructed traffic in Ottawa last year because they didn't want to follow covid protocols.  "I'm completely in favor of a Bay of Pigs operation to liberate that country," he went on, citing a notable low point in the enforcement of our one-sided Monroe Doctrine.  Then he giggled to let the boys and girls know that his words "cannot reasonably be interpreted as facts."  Especially when he's being sued.  Tuckums, if you love Russia so much go and fight for it. 

I don't have any Santos jokes today because he hasn't claimed to be a lost Romanov heir or the guy who shot Tupac, and because the shit's getting real.  The Federal Election Commission was starting to interest itself in the anonymous donors to his 2020 campaign (if you lose they don't care, it's like The Producers) when the FBI said, "It's OK, we got this."  That means a criminal investigation, and he's already facing one from Nassau County DA Anne T. Donnelly.   If Donnelly is anything like Fani Willis, Santos/Devolder/Ravache/Fischer-Dieskau* should throw himself on the mercy of the Justice Department.

DirecTV, a private corporation, made a business decision to drop Newsmax, which is Fox News for people under 70, and James Comer (R-KY) promised that his House Oversight Committee (I always want to write Overlook, like the hotel) will hold very serious hearings into this assault on the First Amendment or whatever he thinks it is.  This is how the very serious House Klown Kaucus works.  Next:  hearings into people who refuse to watch Newsmax.  

New Hampshire ("Live Free and Don't Pay Taxes") has four electoral votes, which might be one reason Joe Biden chose not to campaign there (covid being the other).  They're miffed, and Marianne Williamson is trying to capitalize on the miffing by being the first and most hopeless challenger in the  state.  She's there right now, trying on mufflers and lighting scented candles and exuding so much positive woo that several diners had to be evacuated.  I assume this is how she sells books.

Are you tired of American flags and "Dont Tread On Me" shirts manufactured in the People's Republic of China?  Sure, we all are!  Cory Mills (R-FL) is so happy Florida makes hand grenades that he presented one to each of his colleagues, along with a letter of authenticity.  He says they're inert and I say he is.  Anyway, the metal detectors are definitely gone.  If you're not familiar with this particular example of Florida Man, he's an election denier who's proud his company also makes tear gas for use on Black Lives Matter and other uppity...folks.  (Here's a description of the original Mills grenade, made for British forces during World War I.  Cory's looks like a roll-on deodorant.)

Given Florida's nonchalant attitude toward covid, no one should be surprised that a network of nursing schools sold fake credentials to 7,600 people in the state.  It isn't called "God's waiting room" for nothing. 

*He hasn't claimed to be a German singer yet but there's plenty of time. 


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