Monday, January 10, 2022

Drinkin' wee, spo-de-o-dee

 If you're still fighting covid with Canadian bog dirt a/k/a BOO, that is so 2021.  Get with the program and drink your own urine.  Christopher Key, commissioner of the Vaccine Police (not a real thing), is advising his troops that based on "tons and tons of research" the answer is to drink urine. "Guys, God's given us everything we need."  Except brains.  "Please take it with a grain of salt," he added, as if the saline content of urine isn't high enough.  With a little effort, you can be in an ICU with a vent doing your breathing while dialysis performs the work of your failing kidneys.  In your face, Fauci!

Despite Ted Cruz's session with Baby Tuckoo in Room 101, Fox News is about to get a fresh dick-stomping from the Orange Overlord.  That's because Brian Kilmeade blasphemously told Howard Kurtz, "I think that in life you have to learn to lose."  He quickly mentioned Al Gore, Hillary Clinton and Stacey Abrams, all genuine victims of our demi-democracy, and threw in some trash-talk about Joe Biden, but the damage was done.  Then Senator Mike Rounds told George Stephanopoulos, "We simply did not win the election, as Republicans, for President," which is hard to misinterpret.  He has already been trumped and his staff is no doubt fielding death threats.  "If we tell our people don't vote because there's cheating going on, then we're going to put ourselves in a huge disadvantage," he added, but logic has never worked before.  A bad weekend for the Laird of Mar a Lago.

But there's never a dearth of scumbags.  Trump's alter ego "Liz Harrington" had no sooner damned Rounds as "woke" when Scott Baldwin popped up.  The Indiana state senator has a bill that would require history teachers to be "impartial" in lessons about fascism and Nazism and even Marxism.  It's the reasonable next step once you forbid teaching about racism.  That's the problem with history as a discipline -- it's full of bad people doing bad stuff and it makes nice people feel guilty or upset.  Why teach it at all?  Maybe because, as Cicero said, "To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child."  Who was Cicero?  He founded a city in Illinois.

Another forever-child is insurrection veteran Anthony Williams, who chose the anniversary of "the proudest day of my life" for a special request of Judge Beryl A. Howell:  Pretty please, can he travel from Michigan, where it's cold and he's under house arrest, to Jamaica for a vacation with his girlfriend?  No, he can't.  Not even if he volunteers at a Negril soup kitchen, as he promises to do, because Judge Howell may have been born at night but she wasn't born last night.  

In related news, the American Dialect Society has named "insurrection" the word of 2021 ("coup" and "Putsch" are technically foreign terms), while "Fauci-ouchie" won Most Creative.  I never even heard of "hard pants" or "yassify," but congratulations to all.

Trump's reign of error famously began when he welcomed Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and Ambassador Sergei Kislyak to the Oval Office -- to laugh about climate change, no doubt -- and at least once he discussed classified matters in the dining room of his Florida trash palace.  So why is it news that he let Sean Hannity and Lou Dobbs listen in on White House meetings?  Jared Kushner "worked" in the building and he didn't even have security clearance.  Eric Adams is catching crap for appointing his brother deputy police commissioner.  It's his own fault for being a Democrat.

"Rootless cosmopolitans," "globalists," and now "upscale liberals" -- maybe the American Dialect Society should maintain a list of dog-whistle euphemisms for "Jews."  According to Marco Rubio, "The upscale liberals who control the media and Democrat party believe Jan 6 was another Pearl Harbor or 9/11."  One of those was an attack by a foreign power and the other was a crime.  Neither posed an existential threat to Constitutional government.  We know the difference, and we know you, Marco.  And it's "Democratic Party," you dumb shit.

Or just come out with it, like Republican sugar daddy and (former) Entrata CEO Dave Bateman, author of a mass email blaming Jews for yet another world takeover, this one based on covid vaccines, and for installing one of their agents, Pope Francis, at the head of the Catholic Church.  Jews, Jesuits, it's easy to mix them up.  Thanks to the Deseret News for publicizing it and ending his association with the software company.  

Unemployment is down, job growth is up and Republicans are fuming.  Good.  But according to Annie Linskey in the Washington Post, Joe Biden spends all his time going to funerals and hanging out in cemeteries.  Shouldn't she be admiring the way a 79-year-old man gets so much accomplished?  Once you eliminate "executive time" in front of the TV and limit your golf to "not every week," and appoint people who are actually competent instead of your relatives, big donors and random nutters, there's time for speeches and funerals and Easter egg rolls, too.  And you don't even need to snort Adderall.  Perhaps Linskey would be happier working on the New York Post.

I'm always bemused when Amazon invites me to save a small amount of money by "subscribing" to some product -- how much shampoo or tea do they imagine I can get through in a month?  (I'm imagining a "Sorcerer's Apprentice" scenario where it keeps coming and coming...)  So Taco Bell's new service caught my eye:  For ten dollars you get a taco a day for thirty consecutive days.  Consecutive?  What if you miss a day because, say, you can't get off the toilet?  Is the rest of the month cancelled or do you have to start over?  Does anyone really love tacos that much?  So many questions. 

The Webb Space Telescope is working perfectly.  How long before Trump takes credit for it?




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