Friday, May 21, 2021

Cyber Ninjas, qu'est-ce que c'est

 The Arizona faux-dit is like a highway accident you can't not look at.  I fall asleep wondering what the world is making of this unprecedented case of electoral ptomaine -- the countries where we were instrumental long ago in setting up robust democracies (Japan, Germany and sometimes Italy) and the countries whose democracies we replaced with vicious strongmen (Iran, Chile, etc.).  Are they aghast or rocking with laughter?  

You know about the chicken conspiracy, right?  Republican Stephen Richer, who is a Republican and the Maricopa County Recorder, is also the owner of a chicken farm where fire destroyed a barn and 165,000 chickens.  At first it looked like one of the chickens was smoking, but the Cyber Ninjas are sure they can prove that Richer (who once again is a Republican) fed thousands of ballots to his birds and then burned them alive.  Because he wanted Biden to win Arizona.  Chickens like corn but they will kill for shredded paper.  This is just science.

Science aside, some of the tech experts are ready to rely on spectral evidence.  Like Patty of Latinas For Trump, who came to her job with an open mind:  "The election was stolen, and you don't take from God.  I will die fighting.  We all need to be there.  It is a war."  

The Arizona secretary of state Katie Hobbs advised Maricopa County that it needs to buy all new voting machines after the Ninjas compromised the "security and integrity" of the ones they've been poking, prodding and praying over all month.  Silly Democrat, she doesn't see that the incompetence is the point.  At this point "Maricopa" is shorthand for mental capacity, the ability to compare and contrast sanity with Cloud Cuckoo-land.  Or as someone called Trump said, "The story is only getting bigger."

We have time for a round of "Who's a Nazi now?" special weekend edition.  Mayor Lori Lightfoot of Chicago said that for the two-year anniversary of her election she would give priority to reporters of color in granting interviews.  This was a stupid thing to say and white reporters immediately criticized her.  That wasn't enough for great white hope Tucker Carlson, of course.  "Lori Lightfoot is a monster," he informed the Carlson Klan.  "If someday the Chicago police rounded up the entire population of the city Lori Lightfoot would have no trouble pulling the right ones out of line for punishment.  By the way," he added for the benefit of the slower ones, "in case you're wondering, yes, that was a Nazi reference."  See?  Tuckums is against racism sometimes.

Carlson was practically coherent compared to Marjorie Taylor Guano, who found time in her schedule of yelling through doors and acting as a beard for Statutory Gaetz to give an interview in which she called Nancy Pelosi "mentally ill."  You know what came next:  "...wear a gold star...second class citizens...put in trains...gas chambers in Nazi Germany."  All because the Speaker renewed the mask mandate for the House chamber, since most Republicans still refuse to be vaccinated and will throw their poo against the walls and howl if anybody even asks them about it (which Margie thinks is illegal because, surprisingly, she doesn't know how the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability law works either).  

Some Wyoming disciples of the Dork Lord have already announced their intention of replacing Liz Cheney  as the state's sole representative, but Anthony Bouchard probably won't be one of them.  He already acknowledged impregnating a fourteen-year-old girl when he was eighteen, calling it a "Romeo and Juliet story."  Tony did the right thing and married her, because he's a stand-up guy.  They later divorced and the woman committed suicide at age twenty.  Just like Juliet.  Bouchard is a state senator who used to lobby for some gun-nut group, so he might get past this, especially if the other challengers are serial killers or friends of Mitt Romney.

There was more foolery still but it's Friday and we want to get to the-bar home.  I will close by introducing my new best friend Rep. Steven Woodrow of the Colorado sixth, tweeter extraordinaire.  After seditionists spent the week claiming that the January 6 rioters were "just normal tourists" he wrote, "We don't negotiate with tourists."  And later:  "If the GOP started embracing reality they wouldn't need to suppress the vote."  Welcome, Congressman, and don't turn your back on Boebert.

  Here, have a moonflower.




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