Thursday, July 16, 2020

Bikers and boaters

More than 138,000 Americans have died of covid out of three million infected, but we as a nation have turned a corner.  That's because the CDC turned all the statistics over to HHS, which made them go away, just like a miracle.  No more lockdowns, no more masks (unless you look good in one), no more ice cream trucks full of dead people.  The 32 million are unemployed no more, thanks to Ivanka's "Find Something New" campaign -- they're all designing handbags and writing code -- and every sport will soon PLAY BALL!  Why didn't Obama solve problems like this?  Now, pack those kids onto the school bus.

The last days of the Trump Reich are proving to be a lot more amusing, for twisted, bitter observers like me, than the beginnings.  Despite periodic attempts to resuscitate it, the National Socialist German Workers Party died with Hitler, and one can only assume the husk of the Republican Party will die with Trump.  Accounts of their final days are chillingly similar, what with the loosening grip on reality, the fits of screaming rage, the physical deterioration, the refusal to accept responsibility for the approaching blue wave/Red Army, the paranoia and the self-pity.  For most viewers, Downfall (Der Untergang) was a cautionary tale, not a training film.  (As if Trump would read subtitles for two and a half hours.)

Confronted with uniformly terrible polling, his response is weirdly touching:  "Look at the lakes...thousands of boats with Trump signs, American signs....You look at what's going on, you look at bikers..."  They have no time to talk to poll takers, they're out on the water and rolling down the highways, OK?  And he hasn't forgotten his people, like the charming McCloskeys of St. Louis who pointed guns at protesters walking past their house:  "They were going to be beat up badly -- if they were lucky, OK?  If they were lucky.  They were gonna be beat up badly and the house was going to be totally ransacked and probably burned down."  Which is why the St. Louis chief prosecutor, who happens to be a Democrat and a Black woman, is now getting death threats.  And she hasn't even filed charges against Bonnie and Clyde yet.

Let's see, is there any part of the federal government not fatally damaged?  The postal service remains bloody but unbowed.  Enter Trump donor Louis DeJoy.  This successor to Benjamin Franklin put his finger on the problem:  too much efficiency.  Don't worry about delivering all that mail, it's perfectly fine to leave some (like Amazon packages) for tomorrow.  No need to be so anal about those Social Security checks and birthday cards -- Nana will still be there, covid permitting.  People who want to vote by mail are not real biking, boating Americans anyway.  Besides, we can't abolish it -- it's in the Constitution.  (Article I, Section 8, Number 7)

What do you have to do to get kicked off the Death Star?  Brad Parscale knows.  (Do you know who was sacking generals even as Zhukhov closed in?)  Parscale had the "juggernaut" Trump campaign "firing on all cylinders" (the Death Star ran on internal combustion engines?) last May, but now he's one of the 32 million.  It's time to publish your book, Brad.

We must be in Civil War 2.0, because families are being torn apart.  James Murdoch, son of Rupert, donated $615,000 to the Biden campaign, as did his wife Kathryn.  Meanwhile,  I'm a Trump, Get Me Out of Here by Dr. Mary sold nearly a million copies on its first day.  To quote the author when asked what she would say to Uncle Don, "Resign."


Blogger The New York Crank said...

Don't make fun of Ivanka's "Find something new" campaign. She herself has found something new — spokesmodel for Goya Foods. I understand the new Republican campaign slogan will be "Let them eat beans."

Times may be hard, but as Horatio Alger would have said were he alive today, an ambitious and hard-working girl with luck, pluck and a few billion dollars worth of family money can always find work.

Yours Pluckily,
The New York Crank

8:05 PM  

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