Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Who's a good boy?

How do you get a dog to take a pill?  Wrap it in liverwurst.  How do you get a stable but overweight jenius to eat vegetables?  Hide them in mashed potatoes.

Ronny Jackson, MD, USN, and would-be R-TX, finally admitted that he wrapped the truth in liverwurst when he told us how healthy Trump was back in 2018.   In reality, he was plotting to diminish the Dear Leader by sneaking cauliflower into his potatoes and making ice cream "less accessible," whatever that means.  A better plan might have been to ask Ben & Jerry to create an special Executive Flavor, like Ivankaveggie or Sugar & Spicer, but this is the route he chose.  Even if Trump eats mashed potatoes three times a day, it's just not possible to add enough cauliflower to make a difference to his long-suffering colon.  Nor did Jackson manage to sneak any exercise machines into the residence.  Instead of the ten-to-fifteen-pound weight loss his doctor wanted, Trump achieved official obesity in a year by gaining four pounds.   Jackson is hoping the voters of the Texas Thirteenth will send him to Congress to prevent him practicing medicine anymore, as he clearly sucks at it.

"He has incredibly good genes, and it's just the way God made him," said Jackson, displaying the mixture of superstition and dishonesty Texas voters look for.  "Good genes" sounds like something out of a eugenics book, unless he means he sequenced Trump's genes and compared them to those of people who lived long and died well.  I suspect he didn't.  Fred Trump had dementia, and as for the Trump spawn, their tweets shout "early onset."  So much for genes.

Jackson is still insisting Trump is not on drugs.  I think I'd rather take the word of someone who saw him close up and has no history of lying about his health.  "He looked sedated," said Nancy Pelosi.  I also predict that at least one of Jackson's dozen or so opponents will accuse him of violating medical confidentiality, if not national security, by revealing what all the world knows:  Trump has the temperament of a spoiled three-year-old.  Well, Hillary warned us.

I remember when George H.W. Bush proclaimed his dislike of broccoli and said it would never appear on a White House plate on his watch.  He lost the broccoli growers and he lost re-election.  It was a simpler time, when adults could be trusted to eat sensibly even if their foreign policy was disastrous.  Bush lived to be 94.  Good genes?  Or just broccoli avoidance?  Science doesn't know everything.



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