Thursday, February 27, 2020

Syringes full of Mars germs!

ThumbnailThere you go -- chemtrails.  Why did I have to learn this from Boulder County Moms and not Medal of Limbaugh?  Rush has been looking into this, like, deeply, and the problem, as usual, is a woman who didn't stay home and make her man feel special.  She went to medical school and eventually became director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases (no doubt hired by Barack HUSSEIN Obama of Kenya).  OK, she took her husband's name and is known as Nancy Messonnier, but that was a cunning ploy to conceal her true identity as Rod Rosenstein's sister.   In furtherance of the never-ending conspiracy against Trump, she "warned" of "community spread" to panic all the stock markets and erase the glorious growth of the American economy.  After some initial confusion about what "sister" and "brother" mean, Jabba the Rush spilled the whole story to his rapt Dildoheads Dittoheads -- but without the crucial chemtrails.  Is he just embarrassed that the Moms figured it out first?

Anyway, that's why feminazi Messonnier was absent last night when the COVID-19 problem was solved by handing it off to Mike Pence.   (Don't call him a czar.  Vladimir I is the only czar.)  When he wasn't using a press conference about a potential epidemic to attack various Democrats, Trump assured us that Pence "has a certain talent for this" based on his Three Stooges approach to the HIV crisis in Indiana.  No, I take that back -- even Larry, Moe and Curly would not have spent precious dollars on "conversion therapy" because they were stooges, not morons.  Trump also repeated the nonsense he got from President Xi about warm weather destroying the virus, and nobody laughed out loud or questioned him.   Why were reporters even present?  Overcome by the great honor, Pence was observed wiping his nose with his bare hand.  Yeah, this'll be fine.

Back in the real world, Japan has closed all its schools and Britain may do the same.  (Eton, too?  Surely not Eton.)  Nothing kneecaps the economy like parents forced to stay home with young children, people afraid to work or shop, workers laid off because goods are not coming in from Asia, stores running out of food, sickness thinning the ranks of police, firefighters and EMTs, travel disruptions (Saudi Arabia has banned foreign pilgrims), and demagogues spreading paranoia and blaming the Usual Scapegoats.  As Charlie Pierce put it, "By St. Patrick's Day, your crazy uncle is going to be convinced that Chuck Schumer and Robert Mueller are after him with syringes full of Mars germs."  Before then.  See above.

But government goes on.  The Justice Department has managed to find funds and personnel for a new division dedicated to revoking naturalized citizenship, barely a week after Mick Mulvaney was in Britain pleading for more immigrants.  Trump is still mad that he couldn't abolish the Fourteenth Amendment by royal decree, so he's determined to get rid of the unacceptables one at a time.  People who commit crimes here, like claiming to be college graduates and then signing where it says "I declare under penalty of perjury."  Now more than ever we need to see the former Melania von Clapp's college transcripts.  Her anchor baby doesn't look like he's ready to be away from Mama if she's jailed and then deported.  Maybe just a language problem.  "Perjury" could be Slovenian for  "meatloaf."


Blogger The New York Crank said...

Regarding digitized chemtrails: Well, bear with me for a moment. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, a woman in New York named Sylvia Kraus discovered a Secret Soviet Plot to kill all of us, starting with celebrities. What they did, Sylvia learned, was have thousands of Russian agents disguised as waiters, planted in restaurants all over America. When one of their targets came in, the waiter would poison their soup β€” usually because that person was an anti-Communist. Or secret anti-Communist.

Sylvia had a long list of Americans who were so-targeted. They included John F. Kennedy (and YOU thought it was an assassin's bullet!), FDR, Marilyn Monroe...but why go on? I asked her how she knew this. "Because they poisoned me!" she explained. Then how come she was still here? "Well, I realized right there in the restaurant that my soup was poisoned, so I stuck my finger down my throat and vomited." 'You ran to the bathroom and vomited?" "I didn't waste precious time running to the bathroom. Mh life was at stake."

I was a very young newspaper reporter at the time, and my incessant habit of trying to sell my city editor onβ€” shall we call them "offbeat stories?" β€” may have been what did in my career in journalism. But on to the point:

Digitized chemtrails may be diabolical, but the answer is so obvious that I'm sure somebody in the Trump Administration will think of it within a day or two. Perhaps, if they're reading this letter to Buttermilk Sky, they already know. We must all wear lead foil suits! This way, the radio frequency waves that turn on the chemtrails will not penetrate. There! Problem solved! Now, will somebody please turn around the stock market? I'm down close to a hundred grand already. And I only invest in blue chips.

Yours very crankily
The New York Crank

7:23 AM  

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