Sunday, July 30, 2017

Happy, few?

You few, you miserable few, you band of patsies;
For he to-day that sheds his political capital for Trump
Shall be Trump's scapegoat; and whatever else he says or does,
He will wear Trump's brand on his ass forever:
And Democrats in D.C. now a-bed
Shall laugh so hard that they poop a little,
That the Party of Reagan handed itself over to an unhinged shit-gibbon
Because of some fucking emails.

---the incomparable Driftglass

Parody is hard.  During the initial Muslim ban, which seems a year ago or more, I tried to write a parody of Emma Lazarus for the new Statue of Exclusivity.  It doesn't bear repeating.  This Crispin takeoff may not scan, but it's beautiful.

Let's see, what happened in this momentous week?  Reince Priebus (nailed it the first time) was throw under Air Force One all but literally, called a "fucking paranoid schizophrenic" and "a paranoiac" by Anthony "Two-Times" Scaramucci, and accused of adultery by one Arthur Schwartz, a self-described friend of the Mooch.  (He later retracted the accusation, if not the friendship.)  The Mooch is being divorced by Mrs. Mooch according to the New York Post, so who knows if it's true?  John Kelly, former Marine general and Homeland Security secretary, will replace Priebus tomorrow as chief monkey wrangler in the West Wing; he brings invaluable experience in hand-to-hand combat.  Oh, and the Mooch appears to have arrived in the White House for the same reason as everyone else, to promote his brand and cash in.  In addition to the business he's desperate to sell to some Chinese investors, he is said to be talking up a movie about fabled coach Joe Paterno.  Just like Knute Rockne, All American but with child abuse.

Paul Ryan expressed his sorrow over Friday's Senate vote by quoting from, I swear, Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."  From memory, because he's so smart.

Blake Farenthold (R-TX) allowed as how he'd fight a duel with Lisa Murkowski if only she was a man.  Since he goes around three hundred pounds, this seems unlikely and hilarious.

Where is the Leader? you ask.  Here, there, everywhere.  At the launch of the world's most yugest aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford, he could be heard encouraging military officers to contact their senators and representatives in support of his budget, a clear violation of the Hatch Act.  At an event in New York he urged members of the Suffolk County Police Department to -- no, I have to quote this or you won't believe it:

  "...the laws are so horrendously stacked against us (emphasis added) because for years they've been made to protect the criminal...not the officers.  If you do something wrong, you're in more jeopardy than they are.  These laws are stacked against us.  We're changing those laws."

Including the Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments, presumably.  Don't worry, this clown couldn't repeal the ACA much less amend the Constitution.  Worry because he told the cops it's perfectly fine to slam a suspect's head against a car.  The appalled SCPD issued a statement that the "President" of the United States does not speak for them, which is a lovely state of affairs.  It aligns them with the many parents who expressed shock at his jaw-droppingly inappropriate remarks to the Boy Scouts in the same week.  Put Donzo in front of an audience of more than a hundred people and you can be sure he'll first compliment himself on the vastness of the crowd and then rage against Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.  Hey, Donny, ask Melania what idee fixe means.

Saturday morning found him back on his golden throne and tweeting like crazy:  "If the Senate Democrats ever get the chance they would switch to a 51 majority vote in first minute.  They are laughing at R's.  MAKE CHANGE!"  See, he thinks the 60-vote threshold for cutting off debate is the same as the 51-49 simple majority that saved Obamacare.  I can't claim to understand the Senate's arcane rules myself, which is why I don't offer advice to people who do.  DT also believes the Senate is controlled by "eight Democrats" (he doesn't say which ones).  The point is, it's not controlled by Mitch McConnell, who is not as good at his job as Chuck Schumer.  And of course, the Democrats are "laughing at" me.  And that's intolerable. 

Keep it up, Donzo.  Senators love it when you abuse other members of the "world's most exclusive club," when you send your pal Roger Stone out to call John McCain "a piece of shit."  Did you happen to notice the support Murkowski is getting clear across the political spectrum, from Lindsey Graham to Ed Markey?  Did you wonder how Gerald R. Ford got to be president when you were christening that flattop?  Wonder.       



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